Having grown up in a family of control freaks (my father was very good at it; on his deathbed, he did acknowledge that he wasn’t a good father, which I said to myself that it was a bit too late to admit it), I have come to the conclusion that control freaks attempt to control others because they are so out of control themselves.
Since I had such an upbringing, I am not uncomfortable around control freaks. I just get out of the way, as I have a very good sense of, and ability of, anticipating what is going to happen. It’s like the elephants in the tsunami in Indonesia some 25 years ago, who felt the tsunami coming by their feet in the ground. The humans didn’t, but if they noticed the elephants going to higher ground, many of those humans would have saved their lives.
Susan...in 2008 I was doing some consulting for the CEO of a big company in Atlanta.
The work had evolved into some personal change work... for the CEO... himself. At one point, he said, "I pride myself in being in control of things; I'm kind of a control freak."
I let the air fill with silence for 10-15 seconds, and then said, "Were you aware that the need to be in control of everything...is actually a very OUT of control thing?" SILENCE...for maybe 20 seconds (a lifetime)...and then...he started to do what could be described as defending his position...but...he only got about two words out...before his eyes welled up with tears.
I got up...and left the room. I could tell he was about to cry...and even if HE didn't know it...yet... he was on the verge of a big breakthrough.
When I came back in...about 20 minutes later, he was more like the elephants you describe...and was tuned into something OTHER than...his ego. From there... we were able to achieve some productive personal change.
Thank YOU for your comments, Susan. I'm certain it will be beneficial to others in this community we've built!
Hey Susan… My Mother was a gigantic narcissist control freak.. she wall papered my bedroom in HER favorite colors. Orange and lime green was her fav colors ( it was the 70’s) she’d call it CORAL.. it was fucking orange.. She dressed me in clothes that were too small and too tight thinking as a child I’d be so uncomfortable I’d stop eating and be thin.. like my older sister.. I was 10 my sister was almost 18.. she had my long hair cut off because I wasn’t the pretty one. My older sister was. My Father would travel for their business and he would take her with him to keep me safe.. but my older siblings who were supposed to take care of me.. didn’t. My Dad came home and threw my brothers out. He saw all my bruises from my sister and my Mother defended her. My mother would lose her shit and beat the fuck out of me and leave bruises everywhere.. That’s when my Father said he’d divorce her in a nano second and take me away and she wouldn’t get a dime from him. My Mother shut up. My Mother’s oldest son tore my left shoulder apart. I have 27 bolts in my shoulder. I was pregnant with my eldest daughter at that time. My father was dying by then from cancer. He skipped his appointment with his oncologist because my Mom wanted to travel. She would not stop yapping at him. So he took her away to one of their vacation houses.. they had 3 residences. One close to his specialists.. one in Hawaii my Dad bought from my Grandpa and the one I grew up in.. when they got back his cancer spread everywhere. He passed in ‘96.. I miss him every day. His birthday was a couple days ago. My Mother is back in hawaii. My siblings figured whoever had her ..had her money.. so my 2nd brother took her and I haven’t seen her since. She has full blown Alzheimer’s.. and all the money they thought they were going to get went to a court appointed Guardian who spent every single penny of what my father left her.. he would visit my mother and check on her.. so he’d leave Orange County and go to see my Mother for a couple hours then take off to visit his son in Maui.. he blew thru all her money within a decade.. so now she’s broke.. still alive.. doesn’t know anyone or anything any longer. And my sister’s only son is the one who takes care of her. He is a good young man. When he needs a break.. my daughters go home to Hawaii and care for her. My siblings today.. are still unemployed. They just found wealthy marks to keep them. My Dad’s birthday was yesterday..I still miss him. I’m close to most of my nieces and nephews.. they check in on the regular.. And my siblings .. well .. they can fuck the fuck off.
It makes a real difference to have this articulated so clearly & systematically. I have been thinking for quite a long time, "No, November isn't going to solve the problem" but not knowing why or what would. I appreciate your gift for following the complex actions back to their origin and clarifying the whole big mess. I will be sharing this with my Indivisible group & many others. Thank you!
Jack, I admit I have not read the entire article, though it is very good and as important as you say. I am struck by the fact that we have a word to describe this compulsion to protect what we have and it is often confused with its opposite, the desire to obtain what we don’t have: Jealousy (it’s opposite, or perhaps complement, is envy). And though from what clues you have left, I suspect you’re not a religious man, don’t you think it’s interesting that in the Bible, God calls Himself— positively— a “Jealous God.” It is little remarked on in this so-secularized world, but God’s positive Jealousy is a direct expression of another Biblical line, that “man is created in the image of God.” This may be a spiritual way of asserting that God’s Highest Qualities of Unity, Love, Compassion, and Wisdom are incompatible with disunity, selfishness, arrogance and willful ignorance externally in the world and inwardly in the human heart. More simply, that man must choose whether he wants to stand for truth or for falsehood, for good or for bad. In other words man is inherently a spiritual and therefore moral being who either fulfills his human being in these Qualities of God or turns away from it.
Thank you for distilling this into your unique style of writing! This is one of your best articles yet, it gives us a knowledge and power all its own. It allows us to see and seek an informed path forward. It will help prevent burnout, no doubt about it. It also provides a point of focus which spans across time. I can’t than you enough, for these were the words I needed to hear on this day. 💯👍 #HOLDFAST
Having grown up in a family of control freaks (my father was very good at it; on his deathbed, he did acknowledge that he wasn’t a good father, which I said to myself that it was a bit too late to admit it), I have come to the conclusion that control freaks attempt to control others because they are so out of control themselves.
Since I had such an upbringing, I am not uncomfortable around control freaks. I just get out of the way, as I have a very good sense of, and ability of, anticipating what is going to happen. It’s like the elephants in the tsunami in Indonesia some 25 years ago, who felt the tsunami coming by their feet in the ground. The humans didn’t, but if they noticed the elephants going to higher ground, many of those humans would have saved their lives.
Susan...in 2008 I was doing some consulting for the CEO of a big company in Atlanta.
The work had evolved into some personal change work... for the CEO... himself. At one point, he said, "I pride myself in being in control of things; I'm kind of a control freak."
I let the air fill with silence for 10-15 seconds, and then said, "Were you aware that the need to be in control of everything...is actually a very OUT of control thing?" SILENCE...for maybe 20 seconds (a lifetime)...and then...he started to do what could be described as defending his position...but...he only got about two words out...before his eyes welled up with tears.
I got up...and left the room. I could tell he was about to cry...and even if HE didn't know it...yet... he was on the verge of a big breakthrough.
When I came back in...about 20 minutes later, he was more like the elephants you describe...and was tuned into something OTHER than...his ego. From there... we were able to achieve some productive personal change.
Thank YOU for your comments, Susan. I'm certain it will be beneficial to others in this community we've built!
-Jack
Hey Susan… My Mother was a gigantic narcissist control freak.. she wall papered my bedroom in HER favorite colors. Orange and lime green was her fav colors ( it was the 70’s) she’d call it CORAL.. it was fucking orange.. She dressed me in clothes that were too small and too tight thinking as a child I’d be so uncomfortable I’d stop eating and be thin.. like my older sister.. I was 10 my sister was almost 18.. she had my long hair cut off because I wasn’t the pretty one. My older sister was. My Father would travel for their business and he would take her with him to keep me safe.. but my older siblings who were supposed to take care of me.. didn’t. My Dad came home and threw my brothers out. He saw all my bruises from my sister and my Mother defended her. My mother would lose her shit and beat the fuck out of me and leave bruises everywhere.. That’s when my Father said he’d divorce her in a nano second and take me away and she wouldn’t get a dime from him. My Mother shut up. My Mother’s oldest son tore my left shoulder apart. I have 27 bolts in my shoulder. I was pregnant with my eldest daughter at that time. My father was dying by then from cancer. He skipped his appointment with his oncologist because my Mom wanted to travel. She would not stop yapping at him. So he took her away to one of their vacation houses.. they had 3 residences. One close to his specialists.. one in Hawaii my Dad bought from my Grandpa and the one I grew up in.. when they got back his cancer spread everywhere. He passed in ‘96.. I miss him every day. His birthday was a couple days ago. My Mother is back in hawaii. My siblings figured whoever had her ..had her money.. so my 2nd brother took her and I haven’t seen her since. She has full blown Alzheimer’s.. and all the money they thought they were going to get went to a court appointed Guardian who spent every single penny of what my father left her.. he would visit my mother and check on her.. so he’d leave Orange County and go to see my Mother for a couple hours then take off to visit his son in Maui.. he blew thru all her money within a decade.. so now she’s broke.. still alive.. doesn’t know anyone or anything any longer. And my sister’s only son is the one who takes care of her. He is a good young man. When he needs a break.. my daughters go home to Hawaii and care for her. My siblings today.. are still unemployed. They just found wealthy marks to keep them. My Dad’s birthday was yesterday..I still miss him. I’m close to most of my nieces and nephews.. they check in on the regular.. And my siblings .. well .. they can fuck the fuck off.
Power Corrupts and Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely..
It makes a real difference to have this articulated so clearly & systematically. I have been thinking for quite a long time, "No, November isn't going to solve the problem" but not knowing why or what would. I appreciate your gift for following the complex actions back to their origin and clarifying the whole big mess. I will be sharing this with my Indivisible group & many others. Thank you!
Jack, I admit I have not read the entire article, though it is very good and as important as you say. I am struck by the fact that we have a word to describe this compulsion to protect what we have and it is often confused with its opposite, the desire to obtain what we don’t have: Jealousy (it’s opposite, or perhaps complement, is envy). And though from what clues you have left, I suspect you’re not a religious man, don’t you think it’s interesting that in the Bible, God calls Himself— positively— a “Jealous God.” It is little remarked on in this so-secularized world, but God’s positive Jealousy is a direct expression of another Biblical line, that “man is created in the image of God.” This may be a spiritual way of asserting that God’s Highest Qualities of Unity, Love, Compassion, and Wisdom are incompatible with disunity, selfishness, arrogance and willful ignorance externally in the world and inwardly in the human heart. More simply, that man must choose whether he wants to stand for truth or for falsehood, for good or for bad. In other words man is inherently a spiritual and therefore moral being who either fulfills his human being in these Qualities of God or turns away from it.
Thank you for distilling this into your unique style of writing! This is one of your best articles yet, it gives us a knowledge and power all its own. It allows us to see and seek an informed path forward. It will help prevent burnout, no doubt about it. It also provides a point of focus which spans across time. I can’t than you enough, for these were the words I needed to hear on this day. 💯👍 #HOLDFAST
#OUTLAST