I travel frequently and have an elevator rule: I will not be alone with a man or group of men. If the elevator stops on a floor and a man gets in, I immediately get off. If the door opens and a lone man is on, I turn away muttering about how I forgot something.
I was in a foreign country, going up to my room. A man got on and blocked the door and the button panel. My self preservation instincts immediately kicked in. My floor was the next stop. When the doors opened I pushed past him and quickly walked down the hall. A few steps down the hall and I realized he was following me. I saw a room being cleaned, I ran in and slammed the door and put the security lock on. I told the maid what was happening. We looked out the peephole and the man was walking back and forth in the hallway. We stayed in the room together until he finally left. I made a report to hotel security. After that I made sure someone was with me when I was going to my room. Paranoid? Maybe. I don't care, when I get a bad feeling about a person or situation...I'm gone. At this point in my life, I don't apologize or get embarrassed about protecting my safety.
Stephanie H...you trusted your instincts and acted quickly...and that kind of awareness is exactly what keeps people safe when they’re traveling alone.
Nothing about that story sounds paranoid to me. It sounds like someone who has thought ahead about how to handle uncomfortable situations and didn’t let politeness override self-preservation.
What stands out is that you created safety immediately...you moved toward other people... got a witness involved...secured the door...and reported it afterward.
Those are EXACTLY the kinds of steps security professionals recommend. Your elevator rule is ALSO a smart example of setting boundaries ahead of time...so you don’t have to second-guess yourself in the moment.
No one should feel embarrassed about prioritizing their safety. Trusting your instincts...and acting decisively is wisdom...not overreaction.
I remember learning years ago that when it comes to self defense, it’s not about engaging the attacker in combat but escaping as quickly as possible. The techniques you learn are about breaking contact as quickly as possible. The longer it lasts, the more you’re at risk.
It’s not like in Hollywood where you have a beautifully choreographed fight. You want to get as far away as you can. Attackers are looking for easy prey. If the cost is higher than the gain, they’ll likely disengage.
Something that always stuck with me was that you should kick a male attacker in the shins rather than the balls. Shins are far easier to hit and can impede their ability to pursue. It will give you those valuable seconds you need to get away. It’s a lot harder to hit someone in the balls than you think.
Back in the 1970s, my sister’s friend was almost sexually assaulted. The friend told the attacker she “had vaginal cancer and it was highly contagious”. That created enough confusion in the attacker where she had time to get away.
Todd...you’re exactly right about the core principle: the goal of self-defense is escape... not winning a fight. The longer someone is stuck in a confrontation...the more unpredictable and dangerous it becomes.
Creating space and breaking contact as quickly as possible is what most self-defense training emphasizes.
What you said about attackers looking for easy prey also lines up with what many safety experts point out...when a situation suddenly becomes complicated...noisy...or risky for the attacker...they often disengage.
Even a few seconds of hesitation or disruption can be ENOUGH to get to a safer place or to other people.
Your sister’s friend’s story is a powerful example of how thinking quickly and disrupting the attacker’s expectations can CREATE that opening.
Sometimes...it isn’t physical strength at all that creates the escape...it’s confusion...noise...attention...or simply refusing to cooperate with the situation. The goal is always the same: buy a few seconds and get away.
Stories like that are good reminders that awareness...quick thinking...and a focus on escape can make a real difference.
I was also told, as a woman that used to wear heels, to stomp with the heel on a guy’s instep. Really hard. The shin suggestion actually sounds better. Thanks for that!
I have lived a long, risk-laden, and (at times) dangerous life. The instances where my instincts saved me are far too numerous to list, and I don’t really like to recall or dwell on them. However, one instance stands out and involved my dog. My antennae weren’t up, but his were and he placed himself between me and the other person. When they asked, “Does he bite?” I, of course, said YES. Gotta love dogs.
Ytram...dogs really do have an incredible way of reading situations before we do.
The fact that he instinctively stepped between you and that person says a lot about how tuned in they can be to subtle shifts in tone...posture...and energy that we might miss in the moment.
You handled it perfectly. Sometimes a simple, confident “yes”...is exactly the right answer when someone asks a question like that. It IMMEDIATELY changes the calculation for the other person...and gives you that extra layer of protection.
It also says something about the bond people have with their dogs. They’re companions... but moments like that remind you they’re also quiet guardians...who look out for US in ways we don’t always expect. Definitely something to love about them!!
Jack is writing about bodies — about the two seconds before a fist lands or a weapon appears. He is right about every word of it. The brain’s need for normal. The politeness trap. The moment of doubt that costs everything. But read it again with a different subject in mind. Democracies do not collapse all at once. They collapse exactly the way Jack describes violence: with approach behavior the brain explains away, with boundaries tested incrementally, with distance closing faster than you registered it was moving. His seven warning behaviors — forced interaction, closing distance, ignoring boundaries, sudden intensity, blocking movement — describe a street encounter. They also describe the past fourteen months of American political life. The behaviors are identical. Only the scale is different.
Jack says the most powerful survival tool is not aggression. It is permission. Permission to notice. Permission to disrupt a situation before it escalates. Permission to act without waiting for proof that the proof is already too late. The cost of a false alarm is embarrassment. The cost of hesitation can be something much worse. That calculus applies to citizens right now with the same precision it applies on the street. The most important moment in any violent encounter is the moment before it becomes one. The most important moment in any democratic crisis is exactly the same. The question Jack leaves his readers with, whether he intends it or not, is the question of this moment: how many people recognize the situation first — and how many are still waiting to be sure?
I was 20 years old walking down a hill on a 4 lane road. At the bottom of the hill was a wooded area. I noticed a motorcycle coming up the hill on the opposite side. He turned around & came down the hill on my side. He did this twice & pulled into the wooded area& sat there waiting. I looked across the street & saw an old man in his fenced yard. I crossed 4 lanes of traffic & opened his gate. I didn’t care if he had a dog or not. I told him what was going on. As he stood up to look across the street the man on the motorcycle left. Two weeks later they found a girls body in the wooded area. I often wonder if that could’ve been me if I hadn’t been paying attention.
Lori, that kind of awareness at 20 years old is remarkable.
You noticed the pattern...trusted what your instincts were telling you...and...changed your behavior immediately.
Crossing the road...and going into that yard....may have felt awkward in the moment...BUT...it created exactly what predators hate...attention and another person present.
What’s striking is how CALMLY you solved the problem. You didn’t freeze...you didn’t ignore the warning signs...you MOVED TOWARD SAFETY... and got someone else involved.
That kind of quick thinking...is exactly what keeps situations from escalating.
The fact that a body was later found in that same area...really drives home how important those instincts were.
Your awareness and willingness to ACT... likely made all the difference. Stories like yours are powerful reminders that paying attention to those subtle warning signs can truly SAVE a life!
This advice is right on target. I am an 80 yo woman now, but I have foiled many attacks since my early 20's. The second I get that feeling I take charge. It's happened on a college campus, an airport, a drugstore, a grocery store, a restaurant parking lot, a commercial building elevator, a hotel lobby, walking in a park in a department store. I either join another person even if I don't know them or I ask someone working there to call security and walk me to my car. All of those instances could have ended in theft, rape or murder.
Read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker. I have given it to so many young women so they can develop those skills.
Ramona...you’ve clearly carried that awareness with you your entire life...and...it shows!
The pattern you describe...trusting the feeling immediately and taking action right away...is exactly what keeps situations from escalating.
Joining another person...asking for security...or moving toward staff are ALL smart ways to change the dynamic quickly and make it clear you’re not an easy target.
It also says a lot that you’ve shared those lessons with younger women. Passing along that mindset...pay attention...trust your instincts...and act EARLY...is incredibly valuable.
Many people are taught to ignore that internal alarm out of politeness...when in reality...it’s one of our best safety tools.
That’s a great recommendation. The Gift of Fear has helped a LOT of people understand that those gut feelings are often picking up on real signals. I've taught this stuff to multiple law enforcement agencies, and the public alike...and the Gift of Fear has often been required reading for my course. I can't recommend it enough.
The most important takeaway...as you’ve shown through your OWN life...is that listening to that instinct and acting on it can make ALL the difference.
Great advice. I had a situation where I was trying to buy a new car and the salesman kept moving closer and may me very uncommon I just turned and walked back to my car without saying a thing and left because the vibe was unsettling. I always try to stay in tune with my environment.
When something feels off...you don’t owe anyone an explanation...or...politeness...you can simply REMOVE yourself from the situation. Walking away...was a perfectly reasonable response.
Staying tuned in to your surroundings...the way you describe...is one of the best habits anyone can develop.
That awareness gives you the ability to notice when something shifts and act early...before a situation has a chance to escalate.
Trusting that INTERNAL SIGNAL... and choosing safety over awkwardness is always the right call.
Years ago, I was working in a very small bank, an office that was primarily there for loans, with a small banking side, while sitting at my desk I saw a figure walking down our breezeway heading toward the door and I instantly felt alarmed, but immediately pushed that feeling aside…however my gut instinct was spot on! The man entered, pulled a gun and pointed it at me demanding all the cash…the only other people in this office at that time besides me were a loan officer and a loan secretary who silently slid under her desk. The gunman was yelling, telling me to hurry up, saying he would “blow my f_cking head off!” I did as he said…the money from the small safe and my cash box…and for what seemed an eternity at that moment…my hand hesitated over the “bait money clip,” but I pulled it. Gave him the bag he had shoved at me as he ran out the door. From that moment on I have never NOT listened to my gut instinct! When our kids were growing up I tried to instill in that if something feels “funny” be cautious!!
Christie...that must have been an incredibly intense moment. What really stands out in your story....is that you stayed calm ENOUGH to do exactly what needed to be done under extreme pressure.
Situations like that move so fast...and...yet...you followed the procedures...kept yourself and the others in the office safe...and got through it.
It also says a lot that you recognized AFTERWARD that your instinct had tried to warn you before the man even came in. Experiences like that...tend to sharpen that internal alarm system...and it makes complete sense that you’ve trusted it ever since.
I also really like that you passed that lesson on to your kids. Teaching them that if something feels “off” they should slow down...pay attention...and be cautious is such an important life skill.
That kind of awareness, Christie... can make a real difference in helping people avoid dangerous situations before they escalate.
I was mugged just at sundown walking home from work and grocery shopping. A young guy came up to me and asked for a dime for the phone.(Did I say it was a long time ago?) I said sure and reached in my pocket where I had change and my keys - not my purse. He said "damn it" and knocked my groceries and grabbed my purse. I yelled "not this purse you bastard." And fought him for the damn thing which was almost empty. Strap broke and he got away with me yelling for help. The group of men who seconds before were sitting on the grass outside a gym had disappeared. I saw tail lights go on and yelled louder, but it was evidently his ride.
Someone had called the cops and a runner had made his fastest half mile getting to me.
I was ticked about my groceries.
I also was very lucky. While being abundantly stupid, my instant counterattack might have saved me from a knife wound. Several others had been stabbed in the weeks prior the cops told me.
It was a hard lesson but I believe I learned it well. I have made it a habit to watch my surroundings, walk with purpose, and listen to what my primal self is telling me.
Your excellent outline gives a very clear approach to surviving in this increasingly violent world.
Sue P...that sounds like a terrifying moment...and you’re right to recognize both things at once: you fought back in the moment...and you were also fortunate the situation didn’t escalate further.
Experiences like that tend to burn in the lesson very quickly.
What stands out is what you took from it afterward. You didn’t ignore it...you adjusted your habits: watching your surroundings...walking with purpose...and listening to that internal alarm system.
That’s EXACTLY the kind of awareness...that helps people avoid...or interrupt dangerous situations before they unfold.
Your reflection...about the groceries...actually says a lot about the human side of these moments too.
Sometimes it’s the small...ordinary things...that make the situation feel real afterward. BUT... the bigger takeaway is that you LEARNED from it...and carried that awareness forward.
Thank you for sharing that story...and the reminder that vigilance...and trusting your instincts...can make a real difference!
Jack, I had an encounter years ago that really freaked me out. A friend of mine and I went to lunch with her mom. We all rode in the same car. We’d finished, I paid first then went out into a little vestibule to wait for them. A man came into that little area. He looked normal, nothing that should have raised an alarm. For the first time (and only so far) in my life, every hair on my body stood on end. He paused briefly then passed by and went into the restaurant. My friend & her mom finally came out, took one look at me & did the ‘WHAT is wrong with you??’ deal. I asked them if they’d felt the same thing (actually i think I said you mean you didn’t feel that?? We’ve got to get out of here NOW!). They felt nothing. I’ve often wondered just WHO that guy was - serial killer? or? I’m not sure what I would have done had he lingered in that space but wow, it scared the beejeezus out of me. Broad daylight, sunny & nice. It WAS a place close to the highway so who knows.
Thank you for the list in tonight’s article. I’ve always been fairly cautious and am feeling the need to up my game a bit more given the current world. Your list is practical and thorough. You rock!
P.S. Hope the movie with your daughter was a blast!!
Deb...I know exactly the kind of moment you’re describing...that instant where your whole system lights up BEFORE your conscious mind can explain why.
It’s deeply unsettling...especially when the person LOOKS ordinary, and the setting seems completely normal. But...that’s also why those moments matter so much. We often pick up on tiny cues...before we can put words to them.
What matters is that you noticed it...and respected it. That kind of instinct...is there for a reason. Too many people...are taught to dismiss that feeling...because they don’t want to seem dramatic or rude...when...in reality...it can be one of the most important safety tools we have.
And...you’re right: broad daylight...a normal-looking person...a familiar setting...NONE of that guarantees safety.
The real skill is staying aware...and permitting yourself to trust your own INTERNAL alarm.
I’m really glad the list resonated with you, Deb! Practical awareness beats false comfort ...EVERY.DAMN.TIME.
And...thank you...the movie...with my wife and daughter...really was a blast:)
It’s funny, I get other ‘nudges’ if you will. My spidey senses are fairly acute and do their best to tell me something is off. I’m learning to pay better attention to those as they are very, very subtle and could be easily dismissed (and have been in my earlier life).
The situation I related above felt like a five alarm fire. My nervous system went bonkers. I had read about ppl having their body hairs stand up and damn, it was real! Had I been alone, I’d have probably high tailed it back into the restaurant proper. It all turned out just fine but I will never forget it and do my best now to really tune into all the messages I do get from my body. It knows.
Thanks Jack There's an excellent book on this subject called When Violence is the Answer. The author talks about antisocial violence versus social violence.
The author gives several examples of the differences and notes that we are not routinely trained to deal with antisocial violence, so we underestimate the peril.
In fact, even people who are tend to relax their training in situations that they believe are safe.
We need to be extra vigilant. You're absolutely correct.
J Hardy...that’s a great point...and you’re exactly right about that distinction.
The idea of antisocial vs. social violence truly changes how people understand risk. Social violence usually has rules...posturing...and signals...arguments...ego clashes...things escalating in stages.
Antisocial violence is different; it’s predatory...fast...and often comes with little warning... which is why people so often underestimate it.
You’re also right that familiarity can make people lower their guard. Places that feel routine or “safe” are often where vigilance slips the most.
The real takeaway from that framework isn’t fear...it’s awareness: recognizing patterns...trusting instincts...and responding early rather than waiting for certainty.
I appreciate you bringing that book up!
First...I have had it here on my bookshelves since not long after it was released. Multiple reads. It captures something important that many people...only understand...AFTER a close call: paying attention and acting EARLY can make all the difference.
Leaving a club with my husband, late at night, 2 men who were across the street, crossed to follow us. We were walking towards a deserted area and we felt we would be accosted. We had to get back to the club. We did a quick about face and walked purposefully and quickly towards the men. They were surprised by our unexpected behavior and slinked back across the street.
Awareness of space, Awareness of behavior and Awareness of instinct.
They may mean the difference between life and death.
I have lived the role of school pickon. Awareness became my friend early on. I learned to think about how to avoid a car that was out of control while driving 60mph on a limited access highway. Even now I look both ways when driving across an intersection since people miss or run red lights regularly.
It seems to me one of the biggest risks is to walk and be on your phone. Your not aware of your surroundings. You can become easy pickings.
Good piece, thank you. Maybe because I'm a woman, I have always practiced heightened awareness in potentially dangerous situations- like parking lots & bus stations exactly as you describe- but now I'm going to include places & situations I typically wouldn't. Much better to be aware & prepared than regret it later. 😉
I only say this rarely, but 100%. I had an unusual approach to walking through dodgy neighborhoods which was simply to look crazier than, say, the other Tenderloin denizens south of Winterland. It wasn’t hard by that point of the morning and worked every time. I do not think it would so much these days.
I travel frequently and have an elevator rule: I will not be alone with a man or group of men. If the elevator stops on a floor and a man gets in, I immediately get off. If the door opens and a lone man is on, I turn away muttering about how I forgot something.
I was in a foreign country, going up to my room. A man got on and blocked the door and the button panel. My self preservation instincts immediately kicked in. My floor was the next stop. When the doors opened I pushed past him and quickly walked down the hall. A few steps down the hall and I realized he was following me. I saw a room being cleaned, I ran in and slammed the door and put the security lock on. I told the maid what was happening. We looked out the peephole and the man was walking back and forth in the hallway. We stayed in the room together until he finally left. I made a report to hotel security. After that I made sure someone was with me when I was going to my room. Paranoid? Maybe. I don't care, when I get a bad feeling about a person or situation...I'm gone. At this point in my life, I don't apologize or get embarrassed about protecting my safety.
Stephanie H...you trusted your instincts and acted quickly...and that kind of awareness is exactly what keeps people safe when they’re traveling alone.
Nothing about that story sounds paranoid to me. It sounds like someone who has thought ahead about how to handle uncomfortable situations and didn’t let politeness override self-preservation.
What stands out is that you created safety immediately...you moved toward other people... got a witness involved...secured the door...and reported it afterward.
Those are EXACTLY the kinds of steps security professionals recommend. Your elevator rule is ALSO a smart example of setting boundaries ahead of time...so you don’t have to second-guess yourself in the moment.
No one should feel embarrassed about prioritizing their safety. Trusting your instincts...and acting decisively is wisdom...not overreaction.
-Jack
You know Jack’s lessons already! Good for you 👹-stay fierce #HoldFast
I love it!
I remember learning years ago that when it comes to self defense, it’s not about engaging the attacker in combat but escaping as quickly as possible. The techniques you learn are about breaking contact as quickly as possible. The longer it lasts, the more you’re at risk.
It’s not like in Hollywood where you have a beautifully choreographed fight. You want to get as far away as you can. Attackers are looking for easy prey. If the cost is higher than the gain, they’ll likely disengage.
Something that always stuck with me was that you should kick a male attacker in the shins rather than the balls. Shins are far easier to hit and can impede their ability to pursue. It will give you those valuable seconds you need to get away. It’s a lot harder to hit someone in the balls than you think.
Back in the 1970s, my sister’s friend was almost sexually assaulted. The friend told the attacker she “had vaginal cancer and it was highly contagious”. That created enough confusion in the attacker where she had time to get away.
Todd...you’re exactly right about the core principle: the goal of self-defense is escape... not winning a fight. The longer someone is stuck in a confrontation...the more unpredictable and dangerous it becomes.
Creating space and breaking contact as quickly as possible is what most self-defense training emphasizes.
What you said about attackers looking for easy prey also lines up with what many safety experts point out...when a situation suddenly becomes complicated...noisy...or risky for the attacker...they often disengage.
Even a few seconds of hesitation or disruption can be ENOUGH to get to a safer place or to other people.
Your sister’s friend’s story is a powerful example of how thinking quickly and disrupting the attacker’s expectations can CREATE that opening.
Sometimes...it isn’t physical strength at all that creates the escape...it’s confusion...noise...attention...or simply refusing to cooperate with the situation. The goal is always the same: buy a few seconds and get away.
Stories like that are good reminders that awareness...quick thinking...and a focus on escape can make a real difference.
-Jack
To paraphrase Mr. Miyagi, "Best defense - no be there!"
Spot on, J.B.!
-Jack
I was also told, as a woman that used to wear heels, to stomp with the heel on a guy’s instep. Really hard. The shin suggestion actually sounds better. Thanks for that!
You’re welcome!
I have lived a long, risk-laden, and (at times) dangerous life. The instances where my instincts saved me are far too numerous to list, and I don’t really like to recall or dwell on them. However, one instance stands out and involved my dog. My antennae weren’t up, but his were and he placed himself between me and the other person. When they asked, “Does he bite?” I, of course, said YES. Gotta love dogs.
Always trust your dog's instincts! 🐶
Ytram...dogs really do have an incredible way of reading situations before we do.
The fact that he instinctively stepped between you and that person says a lot about how tuned in they can be to subtle shifts in tone...posture...and energy that we might miss in the moment.
You handled it perfectly. Sometimes a simple, confident “yes”...is exactly the right answer when someone asks a question like that. It IMMEDIATELY changes the calculation for the other person...and gives you that extra layer of protection.
It also says something about the bond people have with their dogs. They’re companions... but moments like that remind you they’re also quiet guardians...who look out for US in ways we don’t always expect. Definitely something to love about them!!
-Jack
Jack is writing about bodies — about the two seconds before a fist lands or a weapon appears. He is right about every word of it. The brain’s need for normal. The politeness trap. The moment of doubt that costs everything. But read it again with a different subject in mind. Democracies do not collapse all at once. They collapse exactly the way Jack describes violence: with approach behavior the brain explains away, with boundaries tested incrementally, with distance closing faster than you registered it was moving. His seven warning behaviors — forced interaction, closing distance, ignoring boundaries, sudden intensity, blocking movement — describe a street encounter. They also describe the past fourteen months of American political life. The behaviors are identical. Only the scale is different.
Jack says the most powerful survival tool is not aggression. It is permission. Permission to notice. Permission to disrupt a situation before it escalates. Permission to act without waiting for proof that the proof is already too late. The cost of a false alarm is embarrassment. The cost of hesitation can be something much worse. That calculus applies to citizens right now with the same precision it applies on the street. The most important moment in any violent encounter is the moment before it becomes one. The most important moment in any democratic crisis is exactly the same. The question Jack leaves his readers with, whether he intends it or not, is the question of this moment: how many people recognize the situation first — and how many are still waiting to be sure?
Thanks, HK! You summed it up and I appreciate your take 💙
I was 20 years old walking down a hill on a 4 lane road. At the bottom of the hill was a wooded area. I noticed a motorcycle coming up the hill on the opposite side. He turned around & came down the hill on my side. He did this twice & pulled into the wooded area& sat there waiting. I looked across the street & saw an old man in his fenced yard. I crossed 4 lanes of traffic & opened his gate. I didn’t care if he had a dog or not. I told him what was going on. As he stood up to look across the street the man on the motorcycle left. Two weeks later they found a girls body in the wooded area. I often wonder if that could’ve been me if I hadn’t been paying attention.
Lori, that kind of awareness at 20 years old is remarkable.
You noticed the pattern...trusted what your instincts were telling you...and...changed your behavior immediately.
Crossing the road...and going into that yard....may have felt awkward in the moment...BUT...it created exactly what predators hate...attention and another person present.
What’s striking is how CALMLY you solved the problem. You didn’t freeze...you didn’t ignore the warning signs...you MOVED TOWARD SAFETY... and got someone else involved.
That kind of quick thinking...is exactly what keeps situations from escalating.
The fact that a body was later found in that same area...really drives home how important those instincts were.
Your awareness and willingness to ACT... likely made all the difference. Stories like yours are powerful reminders that paying attention to those subtle warning signs can truly SAVE a life!
-Jack
Thank you Jack. It was scary. I’ve had a few encounters in my life. I’ll never forget that one.
This advice is right on target. I am an 80 yo woman now, but I have foiled many attacks since my early 20's. The second I get that feeling I take charge. It's happened on a college campus, an airport, a drugstore, a grocery store, a restaurant parking lot, a commercial building elevator, a hotel lobby, walking in a park in a department store. I either join another person even if I don't know them or I ask someone working there to call security and walk me to my car. All of those instances could have ended in theft, rape or murder.
Read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker. I have given it to so many young women so they can develop those skills.
Ramona...you’ve clearly carried that awareness with you your entire life...and...it shows!
The pattern you describe...trusting the feeling immediately and taking action right away...is exactly what keeps situations from escalating.
Joining another person...asking for security...or moving toward staff are ALL smart ways to change the dynamic quickly and make it clear you’re not an easy target.
It also says a lot that you’ve shared those lessons with younger women. Passing along that mindset...pay attention...trust your instincts...and act EARLY...is incredibly valuable.
Many people are taught to ignore that internal alarm out of politeness...when in reality...it’s one of our best safety tools.
That’s a great recommendation. The Gift of Fear has helped a LOT of people understand that those gut feelings are often picking up on real signals. I've taught this stuff to multiple law enforcement agencies, and the public alike...and the Gift of Fear has often been required reading for my course. I can't recommend it enough.
The most important takeaway...as you’ve shown through your OWN life...is that listening to that instinct and acting on it can make ALL the difference.
-Jack
EVERYONE should read The Gift of Fear. It's an amazing book!
Great advice. I had a situation where I was trying to buy a new car and the salesman kept moving closer and may me very uncommon I just turned and walked back to my car without saying a thing and left because the vibe was unsettling. I always try to stay in tune with my environment.
#HOLDFAST
Teri...you handled that exactly right.
When something feels off...you don’t owe anyone an explanation...or...politeness...you can simply REMOVE yourself from the situation. Walking away...was a perfectly reasonable response.
Staying tuned in to your surroundings...the way you describe...is one of the best habits anyone can develop.
That awareness gives you the ability to notice when something shifts and act early...before a situation has a chance to escalate.
Trusting that INTERNAL SIGNAL... and choosing safety over awkwardness is always the right call.
#HOLDFAST
-Jack
Years ago, I was working in a very small bank, an office that was primarily there for loans, with a small banking side, while sitting at my desk I saw a figure walking down our breezeway heading toward the door and I instantly felt alarmed, but immediately pushed that feeling aside…however my gut instinct was spot on! The man entered, pulled a gun and pointed it at me demanding all the cash…the only other people in this office at that time besides me were a loan officer and a loan secretary who silently slid under her desk. The gunman was yelling, telling me to hurry up, saying he would “blow my f_cking head off!” I did as he said…the money from the small safe and my cash box…and for what seemed an eternity at that moment…my hand hesitated over the “bait money clip,” but I pulled it. Gave him the bag he had shoved at me as he ran out the door. From that moment on I have never NOT listened to my gut instinct! When our kids were growing up I tried to instill in that if something feels “funny” be cautious!!
Christie...that must have been an incredibly intense moment. What really stands out in your story....is that you stayed calm ENOUGH to do exactly what needed to be done under extreme pressure.
Situations like that move so fast...and...yet...you followed the procedures...kept yourself and the others in the office safe...and got through it.
It also says a lot that you recognized AFTERWARD that your instinct had tried to warn you before the man even came in. Experiences like that...tend to sharpen that internal alarm system...and it makes complete sense that you’ve trusted it ever since.
I also really like that you passed that lesson on to your kids. Teaching them that if something feels “off” they should slow down...pay attention...and be cautious is such an important life skill.
That kind of awareness, Christie... can make a real difference in helping people avoid dangerous situations before they escalate.
-Jack
Thank you Jack!
You're welcome, Christie.:)
-Jack
I was mugged just at sundown walking home from work and grocery shopping. A young guy came up to me and asked for a dime for the phone.(Did I say it was a long time ago?) I said sure and reached in my pocket where I had change and my keys - not my purse. He said "damn it" and knocked my groceries and grabbed my purse. I yelled "not this purse you bastard." And fought him for the damn thing which was almost empty. Strap broke and he got away with me yelling for help. The group of men who seconds before were sitting on the grass outside a gym had disappeared. I saw tail lights go on and yelled louder, but it was evidently his ride.
Someone had called the cops and a runner had made his fastest half mile getting to me.
I was ticked about my groceries.
I also was very lucky. While being abundantly stupid, my instant counterattack might have saved me from a knife wound. Several others had been stabbed in the weeks prior the cops told me.
It was a hard lesson but I believe I learned it well. I have made it a habit to watch my surroundings, walk with purpose, and listen to what my primal self is telling me.
Your excellent outline gives a very clear approach to surviving in this increasingly violent world.
#HoldFast
Sue
Sue P...that sounds like a terrifying moment...and you’re right to recognize both things at once: you fought back in the moment...and you were also fortunate the situation didn’t escalate further.
Experiences like that tend to burn in the lesson very quickly.
What stands out is what you took from it afterward. You didn’t ignore it...you adjusted your habits: watching your surroundings...walking with purpose...and listening to that internal alarm system.
That’s EXACTLY the kind of awareness...that helps people avoid...or interrupt dangerous situations before they unfold.
Your reflection...about the groceries...actually says a lot about the human side of these moments too.
Sometimes it’s the small...ordinary things...that make the situation feel real afterward. BUT... the bigger takeaway is that you LEARNED from it...and carried that awareness forward.
Thank you for sharing that story...and the reminder that vigilance...and trusting your instincts...can make a real difference!
#HoldFast
-Jack
Thanks.
Jack, I had an encounter years ago that really freaked me out. A friend of mine and I went to lunch with her mom. We all rode in the same car. We’d finished, I paid first then went out into a little vestibule to wait for them. A man came into that little area. He looked normal, nothing that should have raised an alarm. For the first time (and only so far) in my life, every hair on my body stood on end. He paused briefly then passed by and went into the restaurant. My friend & her mom finally came out, took one look at me & did the ‘WHAT is wrong with you??’ deal. I asked them if they’d felt the same thing (actually i think I said you mean you didn’t feel that?? We’ve got to get out of here NOW!). They felt nothing. I’ve often wondered just WHO that guy was - serial killer? or? I’m not sure what I would have done had he lingered in that space but wow, it scared the beejeezus out of me. Broad daylight, sunny & nice. It WAS a place close to the highway so who knows.
Thank you for the list in tonight’s article. I’ve always been fairly cautious and am feeling the need to up my game a bit more given the current world. Your list is practical and thorough. You rock!
P.S. Hope the movie with your daughter was a blast!!
Deb...I know exactly the kind of moment you’re describing...that instant where your whole system lights up BEFORE your conscious mind can explain why.
It’s deeply unsettling...especially when the person LOOKS ordinary, and the setting seems completely normal. But...that’s also why those moments matter so much. We often pick up on tiny cues...before we can put words to them.
What matters is that you noticed it...and respected it. That kind of instinct...is there for a reason. Too many people...are taught to dismiss that feeling...because they don’t want to seem dramatic or rude...when...in reality...it can be one of the most important safety tools we have.
And...you’re right: broad daylight...a normal-looking person...a familiar setting...NONE of that guarantees safety.
The real skill is staying aware...and permitting yourself to trust your own INTERNAL alarm.
I’m really glad the list resonated with you, Deb! Practical awareness beats false comfort ...EVERY.DAMN.TIME.
And...thank you...the movie...with my wife and daughter...really was a blast:)
-Jack
Glad you had a good time! 👍😀
It’s funny, I get other ‘nudges’ if you will. My spidey senses are fairly acute and do their best to tell me something is off. I’m learning to pay better attention to those as they are very, very subtle and could be easily dismissed (and have been in my earlier life).
The situation I related above felt like a five alarm fire. My nervous system went bonkers. I had read about ppl having their body hairs stand up and damn, it was real! Had I been alone, I’d have probably high tailed it back into the restaurant proper. It all turned out just fine but I will never forget it and do my best now to really tune into all the messages I do get from my body. It knows.
Thank you!
Those were Ted Bundy's years.
Thanks Jack There's an excellent book on this subject called When Violence is the Answer. The author talks about antisocial violence versus social violence.
The author gives several examples of the differences and notes that we are not routinely trained to deal with antisocial violence, so we underestimate the peril.
In fact, even people who are tend to relax their training in situations that they believe are safe.
We need to be extra vigilant. You're absolutely correct.
J Hardy...that’s a great point...and you’re exactly right about that distinction.
The idea of antisocial vs. social violence truly changes how people understand risk. Social violence usually has rules...posturing...and signals...arguments...ego clashes...things escalating in stages.
Antisocial violence is different; it’s predatory...fast...and often comes with little warning... which is why people so often underestimate it.
You’re also right that familiarity can make people lower their guard. Places that feel routine or “safe” are often where vigilance slips the most.
The real takeaway from that framework isn’t fear...it’s awareness: recognizing patterns...trusting instincts...and responding early rather than waiting for certainty.
I appreciate you bringing that book up!
First...I have had it here on my bookshelves since not long after it was released. Multiple reads. It captures something important that many people...only understand...AFTER a close call: paying attention and acting EARLY can make all the difference.
-Jack
I think work places, and that includes office settings, should be included in places where violence can occur.
Leaving a club with my husband, late at night, 2 men who were across the street, crossed to follow us. We were walking towards a deserted area and we felt we would be accosted. We had to get back to the club. We did a quick about face and walked purposefully and quickly towards the men. They were surprised by our unexpected behavior and slinked back across the street.
Awareness of space, Awareness of behavior and Awareness of instinct.
They may mean the difference between life and death.
I have lived the role of school pickon. Awareness became my friend early on. I learned to think about how to avoid a car that was out of control while driving 60mph on a limited access highway. Even now I look both ways when driving across an intersection since people miss or run red lights regularly.
It seems to me one of the biggest risks is to walk and be on your phone. Your not aware of your surroundings. You can become easy pickings.
Thanks for the lessons! Stay strong!
#HoldFast
Good piece, thank you. Maybe because I'm a woman, I have always practiced heightened awareness in potentially dangerous situations- like parking lots & bus stations exactly as you describe- but now I'm going to include places & situations I typically wouldn't. Much better to be aware & prepared than regret it later. 😉
I only say this rarely, but 100%. I had an unusual approach to walking through dodgy neighborhoods which was simply to look crazier than, say, the other Tenderloin denizens south of Winterland. It wasn’t hard by that point of the morning and worked every time. I do not think it would so much these days.