I travel frequently and have an elevator rule: I will not be alone with a man or group of men. If the elevator stops on a floor and a man gets in, I immediately get off. If the door opens and a lone man is on, I turn away muttering about how I forgot something.
I was in a foreign country, going up to my room. A man got on and blocked the door and the button panel. My self preservation instincts immediately kicked in. My floor was the next stop. When the doors opened I pushed past him and quickly walked down the hall. A few steps down the hall and I realized he was following me. I saw a room being cleaned, I ran in and slammed the door and put the security lock on. I told the maid what was happening. We looked out the peephole and the man was walking back and forth in the hallway. We stayed in the room together until he finally left. I made a report to hotel security. After that I made sure someone was with me when I was going to my room. Paranoid? Maybe. I don't care, when I get a bad feeling about a person or situation...I'm gone. At this point in my life, I don't apologize or get embarrassed about protecting my safety.
I remember learning years ago that when it comes to self defense, it’s not about engaging the attacker in combat but escaping as quickly as possible. The techniques you learn are about breaking contact as quickly as possible. The longer it lasts, the more you’re at risk.
It’s not like in Hollywood where you have a beautifully choreographed fight. You want to get as far away as you can. Attackers are looking for easy prey. If the cost is higher than the gain, they’ll likely disengage.
Something that always stuck with me was that you should kick a male attacker in the shins rather than the balls. Shins are far easier to hit and can impede their ability to pursue. It will give you those valuable seconds you need to get away. It’s a lot harder to hit someone in the balls than you think.
Back in the 1970s, my sister’s friend was almost sexually assaulted. The friend told the attacker she “had vaginal cancer and it was highly contagious”. That created enough confusion in the attacker where she had time to get away.
I was also told, as a woman that used to wear heels, to stomp with the heel on a guy’s instep. Really hard. The shin suggestion actually sounds better. Thanks for that!
I have lived a long, risk-laden, and (at times) dangerous life. The instances where my instincts saved me are far too numerous to list, and I don’t really like to recall or dwell on them. However, one instance stands out and involved my dog. My antennae weren’t up, but his were and he placed himself between me and the other person. When they asked, “Does he bite?” I, of course, said YES. Gotta love dogs.
Years ago, I was working in a very small bank, an office that was primarily there for loans, with a small banking side, while sitting at my desk I saw a figure walking down our breezeway heading toward the door and I instantly felt alarmed, but immediately pushed that feeling aside…however my gut instinct was spot on! The man entered, pulled a gun and pointed it at me demanding all the cash…the only other people in this office at that time besides me were a loan officer and a loan secretary who silently slid under her desk. The gunman was yelling, telling me to hurry up, saying he would “blow my f_cking head off!” I did as he said…the money from the small safe and my cash box…and for what seemed an eternity at that moment…my hand hesitated over the “bait money clip,” but I pulled it. Gave him the bag he had shoved at me as he ran out the door. From that moment on I have never NOT listened to my gut instinct! When our kids were growing up I tried to instill in that if something feels “funny” be cautious!!
Thanks Jack There's an excellent book on this subject called When Violence is the Answer. The author talks about antisocial violence versus social violence.
The author gives several examples of the differences and notes that we are not routinely trained to deal with antisocial violence, so we underestimate the peril.
In fact, even people who are tend to relax their training in situations that they believe are safe.
We need to be extra vigilant. You're absolutely correct.
Jack is writing about bodies — about the two seconds before a fist lands or a weapon appears. He is right about every word of it. The brain’s need for normal. The politeness trap. The moment of doubt that costs everything. But read it again with a different subject in mind. Democracies do not collapse all at once. They collapse exactly the way Jack describes violence: with approach behavior the brain explains away, with boundaries tested incrementally, with distance closing faster than you registered it was moving. His seven warning behaviors — forced interaction, closing distance, ignoring boundaries, sudden intensity, blocking movement — describe a street encounter. They also describe the past fourteen months of American political life. The behaviors are identical. Only the scale is different.
Jack says the most powerful survival tool is not aggression. It is permission. Permission to notice. Permission to disrupt a situation before it escalates. Permission to act without waiting for proof that the proof is already too late. The cost of a false alarm is embarrassment. The cost of hesitation can be something much worse. That calculus applies to citizens right now with the same precision it applies on the street. The most important moment in any violent encounter is the moment before it becomes one. The most important moment in any democratic crisis is exactly the same. The question Jack leaves his readers with, whether he intends it or not, is the question of this moment: how many people recognize the situation first — and how many are still waiting to be sure?
I only say this rarely, but 100%. I had an unusual approach to walking through dodgy neighborhoods which was simply to look crazier than, say, the other Tenderloin denizens south of Winterland. It wasn’t hard by that point of the morning and worked every time. I do not think it would so much these days.
I was 20 years old walking down a hill on a 4 lane road. At the bottom of the hill was a wooded area. I noticed a motorcycle coming up the hill on the opposite side. He turned around & came down the hill on my side. He did this twice & pulled into the wooded area& sat there waiting. I looked across the street & saw an old man in his fenced yard. I crossed 4 lanes of traffic & opened his gate. I didn’t care if he had a dog or not. I told him what was going on. As he stood up to look across the street the man on the motorcycle left. Two weeks later they found a girls body in the wooded area. I often wonder if that could’ve been me if I hadn’t been paying attention.
Jack, I had an encounter years ago that really freaked me out. A friend of mine and I went to lunch with her mom. We all rode in the same car. We’d finished, I paid first then went out into a little vestibule to wait for them. A man came into that little area. He looked normal, nothing that should have raised an alarm. For the first time (and only so far) in my life, every hair on my body stood on end. He paused briefly then passed by and went into the restaurant. My friend & her mom finally came out, took one look at me & did the ‘WHAT is wrong with you??’ deal. I asked them if they’d felt the same thing (actually i think I said you mean you didn’t feel that?? We’ve got to get out of here NOW!). They felt nothing. I’ve often wondered just WHO that guy was - serial killer? or? I’m not sure what I would have done had he lingered in that space but wow, it scared the beejeezus out of me. Broad daylight, sunny & nice. It WAS a place close to the highway so who knows.
Thank you for the list in tonight’s article. I’ve always been fairly cautious and am feeling the need to up my game a bit more given the current world. Your list is practical and thorough. You rock!
P.S. Hope the movie with your daughter was a blast!!
Great advice. I had a situation where I was trying to buy a new car and the salesman kept moving closer and may me very uncommon I just turned and walked back to my car without saying a thing and left because the vibe was unsettling. I always try to stay in tune with my environment.
I was mugged just at sundown walking home from work and grocery shopping. A young guy came up to me and asked for a dime for the phone.(Did I say it was a long time ago?) I said sure and reached in my pocket where I had change and my keys - not my purse. He said "damn it" and knocked my groceries and grabbed my purse. I yelled "not this purse you bastard." And fought him for the damn thing which was almost empty. Strap broke and he got away with me yelling for help. The group of men who seconds before were sitting on the grass outside a gym had disappeared. I saw tail lights go on and yelled louder, but it was evidently his ride.
Someone had called the cops and a runner had made his fastest half mile getting to me.
I was ticked about my groceries.
I also was very lucky. While being abundantly stupid, my instant counterattack might have saved me from a knife wound. Several others had been stabbed in the weeks prior the cops told me.
It was a hard lesson but I believe I learned it well. I have made it a habit to watch my surroundings, walk with purpose, and listen to what my primal self is telling me.
Your excellent outline gives a very clear approach to surviving in this increasingly violent world.
Awareness of space, Awareness of behavior and Awareness of instinct.
They may mean the difference between life and death.
I have lived the role of school pickon. Awareness became my friend early on. I learned to think about how to avoid a car that was out of control while driving 60mph on a limited access highway. Even now I look both ways when driving across an intersection since people miss or run red lights regularly.
It seems to me one of the biggest risks is to walk and be on your phone. Your not aware of your surroundings. You can become easy pickings.
Good piece, thank you. Maybe because I'm a woman, I have always practiced heightened awareness in potentially dangerous situations- like parking lots & bus stations exactly as you describe- but now I'm going to include places & situations I typically wouldn't. Much better to be aware & prepared than regret it later. 😉
I travel frequently and have an elevator rule: I will not be alone with a man or group of men. If the elevator stops on a floor and a man gets in, I immediately get off. If the door opens and a lone man is on, I turn away muttering about how I forgot something.
I was in a foreign country, going up to my room. A man got on and blocked the door and the button panel. My self preservation instincts immediately kicked in. My floor was the next stop. When the doors opened I pushed past him and quickly walked down the hall. A few steps down the hall and I realized he was following me. I saw a room being cleaned, I ran in and slammed the door and put the security lock on. I told the maid what was happening. We looked out the peephole and the man was walking back and forth in the hallway. We stayed in the room together until he finally left. I made a report to hotel security. After that I made sure someone was with me when I was going to my room. Paranoid? Maybe. I don't care, when I get a bad feeling about a person or situation...I'm gone. At this point in my life, I don't apologize or get embarrassed about protecting my safety.
I remember learning years ago that when it comes to self defense, it’s not about engaging the attacker in combat but escaping as quickly as possible. The techniques you learn are about breaking contact as quickly as possible. The longer it lasts, the more you’re at risk.
It’s not like in Hollywood where you have a beautifully choreographed fight. You want to get as far away as you can. Attackers are looking for easy prey. If the cost is higher than the gain, they’ll likely disengage.
Something that always stuck with me was that you should kick a male attacker in the shins rather than the balls. Shins are far easier to hit and can impede their ability to pursue. It will give you those valuable seconds you need to get away. It’s a lot harder to hit someone in the balls than you think.
Back in the 1970s, my sister’s friend was almost sexually assaulted. The friend told the attacker she “had vaginal cancer and it was highly contagious”. That created enough confusion in the attacker where she had time to get away.
To paraphrase Mr. Miyagi, "Best defense - no be there!"
I was also told, as a woman that used to wear heels, to stomp with the heel on a guy’s instep. Really hard. The shin suggestion actually sounds better. Thanks for that!
You’re welcome!
I have lived a long, risk-laden, and (at times) dangerous life. The instances where my instincts saved me are far too numerous to list, and I don’t really like to recall or dwell on them. However, one instance stands out and involved my dog. My antennae weren’t up, but his were and he placed himself between me and the other person. When they asked, “Does he bite?” I, of course, said YES. Gotta love dogs.
Always trust your dog's instincts! 🐶
Years ago, I was working in a very small bank, an office that was primarily there for loans, with a small banking side, while sitting at my desk I saw a figure walking down our breezeway heading toward the door and I instantly felt alarmed, but immediately pushed that feeling aside…however my gut instinct was spot on! The man entered, pulled a gun and pointed it at me demanding all the cash…the only other people in this office at that time besides me were a loan officer and a loan secretary who silently slid under her desk. The gunman was yelling, telling me to hurry up, saying he would “blow my f_cking head off!” I did as he said…the money from the small safe and my cash box…and for what seemed an eternity at that moment…my hand hesitated over the “bait money clip,” but I pulled it. Gave him the bag he had shoved at me as he ran out the door. From that moment on I have never NOT listened to my gut instinct! When our kids were growing up I tried to instill in that if something feels “funny” be cautious!!
Thanks Jack There's an excellent book on this subject called When Violence is the Answer. The author talks about antisocial violence versus social violence.
The author gives several examples of the differences and notes that we are not routinely trained to deal with antisocial violence, so we underestimate the peril.
In fact, even people who are tend to relax their training in situations that they believe are safe.
We need to be extra vigilant. You're absolutely correct.
Jack is writing about bodies — about the two seconds before a fist lands or a weapon appears. He is right about every word of it. The brain’s need for normal. The politeness trap. The moment of doubt that costs everything. But read it again with a different subject in mind. Democracies do not collapse all at once. They collapse exactly the way Jack describes violence: with approach behavior the brain explains away, with boundaries tested incrementally, with distance closing faster than you registered it was moving. His seven warning behaviors — forced interaction, closing distance, ignoring boundaries, sudden intensity, blocking movement — describe a street encounter. They also describe the past fourteen months of American political life. The behaviors are identical. Only the scale is different.
Jack says the most powerful survival tool is not aggression. It is permission. Permission to notice. Permission to disrupt a situation before it escalates. Permission to act without waiting for proof that the proof is already too late. The cost of a false alarm is embarrassment. The cost of hesitation can be something much worse. That calculus applies to citizens right now with the same precision it applies on the street. The most important moment in any violent encounter is the moment before it becomes one. The most important moment in any democratic crisis is exactly the same. The question Jack leaves his readers with, whether he intends it or not, is the question of this moment: how many people recognize the situation first — and how many are still waiting to be sure?
I only say this rarely, but 100%. I had an unusual approach to walking through dodgy neighborhoods which was simply to look crazier than, say, the other Tenderloin denizens south of Winterland. It wasn’t hard by that point of the morning and worked every time. I do not think it would so much these days.
Thank you, Jack!
# Holdfast!
I think work places, and that includes office settings, should be included in places where violence can occur.
I was 20 years old walking down a hill on a 4 lane road. At the bottom of the hill was a wooded area. I noticed a motorcycle coming up the hill on the opposite side. He turned around & came down the hill on my side. He did this twice & pulled into the wooded area& sat there waiting. I looked across the street & saw an old man in his fenced yard. I crossed 4 lanes of traffic & opened his gate. I didn’t care if he had a dog or not. I told him what was going on. As he stood up to look across the street the man on the motorcycle left. Two weeks later they found a girls body in the wooded area. I often wonder if that could’ve been me if I hadn’t been paying attention.
Jack, I had an encounter years ago that really freaked me out. A friend of mine and I went to lunch with her mom. We all rode in the same car. We’d finished, I paid first then went out into a little vestibule to wait for them. A man came into that little area. He looked normal, nothing that should have raised an alarm. For the first time (and only so far) in my life, every hair on my body stood on end. He paused briefly then passed by and went into the restaurant. My friend & her mom finally came out, took one look at me & did the ‘WHAT is wrong with you??’ deal. I asked them if they’d felt the same thing (actually i think I said you mean you didn’t feel that?? We’ve got to get out of here NOW!). They felt nothing. I’ve often wondered just WHO that guy was - serial killer? or? I’m not sure what I would have done had he lingered in that space but wow, it scared the beejeezus out of me. Broad daylight, sunny & nice. It WAS a place close to the highway so who knows.
Thank you for the list in tonight’s article. I’ve always been fairly cautious and am feeling the need to up my game a bit more given the current world. Your list is practical and thorough. You rock!
P.S. Hope the movie with your daughter was a blast!!
Those were Ted Bundy's years.
Great advice. I had a situation where I was trying to buy a new car and the salesman kept moving closer and may me very uncommon I just turned and walked back to my car without saying a thing and left because the vibe was unsettling. I always try to stay in tune with my environment.
#HOLDFAST
Yes.
I was mugged just at sundown walking home from work and grocery shopping. A young guy came up to me and asked for a dime for the phone.(Did I say it was a long time ago?) I said sure and reached in my pocket where I had change and my keys - not my purse. He said "damn it" and knocked my groceries and grabbed my purse. I yelled "not this purse you bastard." And fought him for the damn thing which was almost empty. Strap broke and he got away with me yelling for help. The group of men who seconds before were sitting on the grass outside a gym had disappeared. I saw tail lights go on and yelled louder, but it was evidently his ride.
Someone had called the cops and a runner had made his fastest half mile getting to me.
I was ticked about my groceries.
I also was very lucky. While being abundantly stupid, my instant counterattack might have saved me from a knife wound. Several others had been stabbed in the weeks prior the cops told me.
It was a hard lesson but I believe I learned it well. I have made it a habit to watch my surroundings, walk with purpose, and listen to what my primal self is telling me.
Your excellent outline gives a very clear approach to surviving in this increasingly violent world.
#HoldFast
Sue
Awareness of space, Awareness of behavior and Awareness of instinct.
They may mean the difference between life and death.
I have lived the role of school pickon. Awareness became my friend early on. I learned to think about how to avoid a car that was out of control while driving 60mph on a limited access highway. Even now I look both ways when driving across an intersection since people miss or run red lights regularly.
It seems to me one of the biggest risks is to walk and be on your phone. Your not aware of your surroundings. You can become easy pickings.
Thanks for the lessons! Stay strong!
#HoldFast
Good piece, thank you. Maybe because I'm a woman, I have always practiced heightened awareness in potentially dangerous situations- like parking lots & bus stations exactly as you describe- but now I'm going to include places & situations I typically wouldn't. Much better to be aware & prepared than regret it later. 😉