DEMOCRACY: You Can’t Escape Grief—But You Can Change How It Hits You

How Anticipation, Mindset, and Emotional Training Can Spare You the Worst of the Storm

Edward Mosberg, a Holocaust survivor who lost his entire family in the Holocaust. He passed in 2022 at the age of 96. He had passionately gone anywhere in the world to tell his story with urgency and eloquence.

You Can Prepare for Grief—And You Should

***I want to start by saying that everything you’ll learn in this article about grieving the loss of other people in your life, can also be applied to any other situation where people often experience a sense of loss: a job, an opportunity, your home in a fire, elements of your freedom, etc.***

Why the Phrase “Everyone Grieves in Their Own Way” Can Be Dangerous—and What You Can Do to Change the Way You Experience Loss

It’s one of the most accepted truths in our culture.

“Everyone grieves in their own way.”

You hear it in hospital rooms…whispered through tears at funerals…and spoken with resignation after someone you love falls apart months…or years…after a loss.

And while the sentiment is often delivered with compassion…it hides something dangerous underneath.

Because while it’s true that grief is deeply personal…and while it’s certainly not a one-size-fits-all process, the idea that you’re powerless to influence how grief will affect you is not only untrue…

…it may be one of the most disempowering myths in all of mental health.

Here’s the real truth:

Grief is not immune to preparation.
You can shape the way you experience it.
And you can dramatically reduce the odds of it knocking you out of your own life—if you choose to do so ahead of time.

Let’s explore why.

The Cultural Lie of Grief as Chaos

We live in a culture that treats grief like a hurricane: unpredictable…unstoppable…and something you simply must endure.

And often, that narrative becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

We tell ourselves that there’s nothing we can do to prepare…so we don’t prepare. We avoid the subject altogether.

We wait until it crashes through the door…and by then…we’re scrambling to put the pieces of our life back together…often in the fog of exhaustion, trauma, or isolation.

But what if grief isn’t a hurricane?

What if it’s more like a storm system…yes…powerful and real…but also trackable…understandable…and…with some foresight…something you can shelter yourself from more wisely?

That’s the question researchers have been exploring for decades—and the answers may surprise you.

The Research Is Clear: Grief Can Be Modified

The scientific literature on grief has evolved dramatically over the last 20 years. While early models (like Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages) framed grief as something passive that happens to us…newer models recognize grief as something we engage with.

1. Anticipatory Grief is Real—and Powerful

Anticipatory grief is the process of mourning a loss before it actually occurs. It often shows up when a loved one is terminally ill…or when we begin to sense a coming separation…decline…or death.

And it’s not just an emotional reaction.

It’s an adaptive process that helps us start emotionally metabolizing the loss early—giving us time to build resilience.

✅ A 2017 study in the Journal of Palliative Medicine found that caregivers who engaged in anticipatory grief experienced significantly fewer symptoms of complicated grief…depression…and trauma following the actual loss.

In other words: When we face the truth ahead of time…we don’t fall as hard later.

That doesn’t mean there’s no pain. It means the pain has room to move through us…rather than burying us.

2. Pre-Loss Resilience Training Works

In 2020, researchers from Columbia University and the University of Memphis studied the effects of pre-loss resilience interventions…simple strategies like acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), journaling…guided mindfulness…and meaning-centered therapy.

The goal was to test whether people could train themselves to be more emotionally resilient before losing someone they love.

The results?

✅ Those who participated in resilience training prior to loss experienced significantly lower rates of prolonged grief disorder…PTSD symptoms…and depression compared to those who did not.

Even more important: they were more likely to re-engage with life in healthy ways…rather than falling into paralysis.

3. You Can Influence the Trajectory of Grief

Grief is a process. And like any process, it has a trajectory—an arc.

“The myth that grief is something that happens to you, and that it will always remain a chaotic mystery, is outdated,” says Dr. Katherine Shear, Director of the Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University.

“We know now that grief has patterns. And we know that human beings are capable of engaging with those patterns in ways that either promote healing…or deepen suffering.”

Put simply: your approach matters.

If you wait passively and hope it won’t destroy you, the odds are higher that it will.

But if you take steps ahead of time—mentally…emotionally…practically—grief becomes less like drowning…and more like navigating a storm with a strong rudder and the right gear.

“But Doesn’t That Minimize the Loss?”

This is where the resistance kicks in.

A lot of people worry that preparing for grief ahead of time is somehow “cold” or “unnatural.” That it’s disrespectful. Or that it suggests you’re emotionally detached from the person or thing you’re going to lose.

In fact, the opposite is true.

Preparation—true preparation—is an act of deep love.

It’s saying: “I love this person, this relationship, this role in my life, so much… that I want to be present and whole enough to carry their legacy with me—without collapsing.”

And what’s more loving than that?

The Costs of Not Preparing

Let’s be blunt.

When you don’t prepare for grief, you don’t get to “skip” the pain. You just increase the odds that the pain will:

• Ruin your relationships

• Impair your decision-making

• Tank your health

• Wipe out your sense of identity

• Steal years of potential

You’ve seen it before.

Someone loses a spouse and never recovers. They disappear from social circles, become consumed by bitterness, or fall into financial ruin. Someone else loses a parent and goes from being high-functioning to barely getting out of bed.

These are not moral failures.

These are predictable psychological consequences of being emotionally unprepared.

And they can be mitigated.

So What Can You Actually Do?

This isn’t about magical thinking. It’s about mental fitness.

Here are steps backed by science and clinical practice:

1. Talk About It—Before It’s Too Late

Have the hard conversations. What do they want to be remembered for? What did they love most about their life? What messages would they want to pass on?

Those answers don’t just comfort them—they stabilize you.

✅ Studies show that engaging in “legacy conversations” prior to death correlates with lower regret, increased closure, and improved grief outcomes for survivors. (Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 2019)